The Zen and the Damaged

A fan site for fake newspeople

The Zen On June - 6 - 2012

It’s harder to parody a reputation for strict reasonableness, but after the Stephen Colbert Facts, we could hardly let Jon Stewart down.

Also concocted by multiple people, although the original post has sadly vanished. The list is sadly short even for something related to Jon; feel free to comment with more!

When Jon Stewart giggles, at least 80% of the audience melts.

Students who read Jon Stewart’s America: The Book get better scores on history tests than students who read actual textbooks. (Oh wait…)

Jon Stewart actually can make muffins that quickly.

When Jon Stewart’s children were toddlers, they both already had a full grasp of the nuances of moderation in civilized debate.

Jon Stewart is still getting unsolicited nude photos from celebrities hoping to be in the sequel to Naked Pictures of Famous People.

Jon Stewart is also still getting unsolicited nude photos from celebrities who explicitly say they want nothing to do with Naked Pictures of Famous People.

Film directors arrange judo death matches for the honor of getting Jon Stewart to have a cameo in their movies.

Death to Smoochy was called by one critic the worst film of 2002. It would have been unanimously voted the worst film ever made if Jon Stewart hadn’t been in it.

When Jon Stewart became the host of The Daily Show, the ratings tripled. (Again: oh, wait…)

Jon Stewart’s nose can smell Fox News’ lack of fairness and balance through video clips.

Jon’s fangirling could put many female fangirls to shame.

Jon Stewart’s cuteness can even turn George Clooney to the um… Dark Side? Yeah, bad Star Wars reference… =/

Stephen Colbert’s thought processes always end in “NAIL.” Always. As in: “Jon Stewart… that is a man I want to NAIL.”

Jon Stewart would be president, but he just has too much shit to do.

Jon Stewart is so small and fuzzy, and such a master of the hangdog look, that he has been mistaken for a stray puppy and adopted. Twice.

Jon Stewart is so Jewy that bread unleavens itself in his presence.

The first time Jon Stewart played Doom, the Barons of Hell appeared onscreen, saw who was playing, and promptly sat down on a couch and attempted to have a reasonable discussion. Jon had to explain to them that it was a game, not reality, and that mindlessly targeting foes was the whole point, before they would attack and get blown up properly.

Jon Stewart is actually pocket-size.

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