The Zen and the Damaged

A fan site for fake newspeople

The Zen On June - 2 - 2012

Because Chuck Norris Facts seem less justified when you realize he couldn’t even beat out Stephen Colbert for a bridge name in Hungary.

Crafted by many, many authors in the original Colbert Facts thread.

Stephen is so patriotc, he actually fathered a baby eagle.

Stephen Colbert could prove to the evolutionists that the world was created in a week, but that would mean telling them how he did it.

When Stephen Colbert picks up a newspaper, he doesn’t read the words; he just absorbs the truth.

All the children fathered by Stephen Colbert have a birthmark shaped like America over their hearts.

Lies are just truths that Stephen Colbert hasn’t said yet.

The 2000 election results were actually delayed so that Stephen Colbert would be able to get to the polls at his convienence.

Wolverine’s adamantium skeleton has nothing on Stephen’s balls.

“The Colbert Report” doesn’t use cameras. Stephen Colbert beams the entire program to every television in the world through telekenesis.

Stephen Colbert has perfect vision, but chooses to wear spectacles to shield us from his light of pure truth that shines from his eyes.

Stephen Colbert’s thought processes always end in “NAIL.” Always.

If Stephen Colbert doesn’t get the truth straight, it’s because the facts were gay.

The only person who can win a debate with Stephen Colbert is Stephen Colbert.

God said “Let there be light” because Stephen told him to say it.

Stephen Colbert has already captured Osama bin Laden. He just doesn’t want to embarrass the government by letting anybody know he found him first.

Stephen Colbert lost the hearing in his left ear because it was overwhelmed from hearing the cries of democracy.

Jesus is actually Stephen Colbert’s homeboy.

When Stephen Colbert walks into a sandwich shop, all the provolone turns into American cheese.

The phrase “Stephen Colbert” carries so much weight, over-use can cause LJ comment threads to collapse in on themselves.

Stephen Colbert is not gay; he has deep, personal (and physical) relationships with men that cannot be defined by the English language.

Pigs willingly sacrifice themselves for the honor of being in Stephen Colbert’s BLT.

Stephen Colbert is bigger than Jesus and John Lennon…combined.

George Washington could have told a lie, but Stephen Colbert forced the truth out of him.

It is true that every human bleeds red, except for Stephen Colbert, who bleeds red, white, and blue.

Stephen Colbert’s gaze has the ability to convert any straight man to gay.

Stephen’s other Jewish friend? Jesus.

Stephen Colbert’s mother had ten other children because she was waiting for someone truly special to be born.

Koalas developed pouches and turned into marsupials in attempt to trick the natural predator of the bear, Stephen Colbert. (It didn’t work.)

At Stephen Colbert’s high school, the theme of the prom his senior year was “Stephen Colbert’s Balls.”

Stephen Colbert has such gravitas that he has several times almost collapsed into a black hole.

When Stephen Colbert mentions a website on his show, it instantly goes down. (Oh…wait…)

Stephen Colbert doesn’t own a hammer. Wood just nails itself in his presence.

Stephen Colbert is suing Bell and Spurling for the rights of ‘Golden Balls’.

Zoos have been able to get bald eagles to breed by spraying Stephen Colbert’s “Scorn” into their enclosures. Unfortunately, the smell caused the bears in the next cage to break free and run away in terror, mauling three people.

The reason Al Capone’s vault was empty before Geraldo Rivera opened it is because Stephen Colbert got there first.

Stephen Colbert knows that Leviticus says a man shall not lie with another man as with a woman. But since he’s a god, he doesn’t have to worry about that.

Stephen Colbert receives his Sunday school lesson plans straight from God.

Jesus will return…to be interviewed on the Colbert Report.

Estate taxes are actually applied when somebody is named to Stephen’s “Dead to Me” list.

Stephen Colbert nails every guest on his show. And that’s just in the dressing room before he interviews them.

Stephen Colbert also explodes when you add Mentos to him.

Stephen Colbert can make a woman orgasm just by pointing at her and saying “This is the Colbert Report!”.

Stephen Colbert has been around for all time, because “In the beginning, there was The Word.”

Stephen Colbert is so ballsy, he bounces.

Scientists in Prague are currently debating whether or not Stephen Colbert counts as a heavenly body.

Stephen Colbert can walk on water, as long as it was bottled in America.

Stephen’s tears spread the healing power of democracy…unfortunately, he has never cried.

Voldemort fears Dumbledore, but Dumbledore fears Stephen Colbert.

Wonder Woman’s “Lasso of Truth” is actually a piece of Stephen Colbert’s hair.

There is no global warming; the polar ice caps are melting solely because of Stephen’s hotness.

At the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, President Bush gave Stephen Colbert the number of his red phone.

Batwoman went lesbian because after Stephen Colbert, no other man seemed good enough.

Neither J.K. Rowling nor editors make changes to the “American” editions of Harry Potter: Stephen Colbert just touches them.

Stephen Colbert knew that Darth Vader was Luke’s father before George Lucas.

Stephen Colbert is the reason for the decline in the population of bears.

When confronted with the chess-playing champion “Deep Blue,” Stephen easily defeated it…with his gut.

The California 50th district and Unicorns. Two things that never existed, thanks to Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert settled down with one woman only so other men could have a chance.

When they want to appear erudite, Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw quote Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert could easily get rid of those motherfuckin’ snakes.

Stephen Colbert is not lincolnish. He is Lincoln. John Wilkes Booth’s assassination attempt was merely his Quickening.

Stephen Colbert’s desk is opaque to hide his huge, huge balls. He doesn’t want to break decency standards.

When George Bush sat in his seat for seven minutes after being told America was under attack, he was actually thinking “What would Stephen do?”

Stephen Colbert blasted Vin Diesel with a fireball spell, and they weren’t even playing D&D at the time.

Stephen Colbert’s d10s are made from the knuckles of liberal hippies. He never fails initiative.

Stephen Colbert always rolls twenties, even on d4s.

Cthulhu refuses to say Stephen Colbert’s name three times.

Stephen Colbert invented horcruxes.

Stephen Colbert is Karl Rove’s secret-keeper.

Stephen Colbert sets the truth free.

The reason the condom popped in Stephen’s hand is because it was too weak to be handeled by Stephen.

The name has changed for everyone else, but Stephen Colbert still eats freedom fries.

When Congress passes a bill, they call Stephen Colbert to make sure it’s constitutional.

Stephen Colbert has the ability to defeat Voldemort, but refuses to help Harry Potter because of his Christian ethics.

Stephen’s relationships are on a higher level than Oprah’s.

If Stephen Colbert ever moves, he is required by law to go door-to-door and tell all his new neighbors that they now live in a “No Fact Zone.”

When Stephen Colbert laughs, a bear dies.

Stephen Colbert had to leave The Daily Show because with new correspondents coming in, there wasn’t enough space for him to have three dressing rooms. Besides the main one, he needs one for each ball.

Stephen Colbert sweats holy water.

Scientists at NASA are currently attempting to determine the materials which compose Stephen Colbert’s balls in an attempt to create the strongest material on earth.

Da Vinci modeled his code after Stephen Colbert’s.

Charlene was a lie driven away by Stephen’s relentless pursuit of the truth.

Stephen Colbert asked Charlene to dump him so that the rest of the male population wouldn’t feel bad about themselves.

There are three types of women: those who have slept with Stephen Colbert, those who will sleep with Stephen Colbert, and Charlene.

Stephen Colbert made Harlan Ellison cry.

When Stephen Colbert sings about “Charlene”, he’s actually singing about Dave Coulier.

The Gospels are loosely based on Stephen Colbert’s childhood.

When Stephen Colbert creates a product, demand is so high that you can never find it in stores. banned RPS so that Stephen Colbert wouldn’t make every other subject of it feel inadequate.

Stephen Colbert has no use for weapons. He himself is a pistol, firing off bullets of Truth.

The adventures of Tek Jansen are actually based on the true real-life exploits of Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert holds himself to be self-evident.

Through liberal use of a time machine, Stephen Colbert actually fathered our first four presidents.

Even atheists believe in Stephen Colbert.

The truth? Charlene couldn’t handle the truth.

Stephen Colbert is what Jesus would do.

Edmond Rostand got the idea for Roxanne in Cyrano de Bergerac – the female lead who inexplicably does not return the affections of the brilliant and tallented hero – after talking to Stephen Colbert and hearing about Charlene. Like the Romans, he substituted a psuedoname which has the same number of syllables and thus fits the same way into verse.

Stephen was just kidding. He knows exactly what Jesus would buy.

Every time Stephen Colbert nails someone, an angel gets his wings.

Stephen Colbert could bring about complete world peace in under ten mintues. He chooses not to because then Jesus wouldn’t come back.

It’s been scientifically proven by fake scientists that Stephen Colbert has 100% more testosterone than Vin Diesel, the entire WWE (both past, present and future) and every bear ever on the planet.

Planets don’t orbit around the sun, they orbit around Stephen Colbert’s ego balls.

Stephin Merritt composed all the songs on 69 Love Songs for Stephen Colbert.

Stephen always packs the following in his children’s lunches: BLTs and Truth Roll-Ups.

It only takes 3 pundits to cover the news: Stephen Colbert and his two balls.

Come on. Stephen Colbert CAN handle the truth.

In actuality, Superman created The Fortress of Solitude to escape the all too mighty glory of Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert truths around one million men and women each day (within a 30-minute period) and has only bothered using a condom once.

The Giant Panda does not breed, out of respect for Stephen Colbert.

When the condom that Stephen Colbert was putting on that banana broke, somebody, somewhere, got pregnant.

The current President takes all those vacations because he knows the country will be in good hands, so long as Stephen Colbert’s vacation isn’t at the same time.

Stephen Colbert cannot physically tell a lie, as he is fully saturated with the truth.

Oscar Meyer weiners wish they were Stephen Colbert.

Mary made up the story about the virgin birth so that she wouldn’t have to confess sleeping with Stephen Colbert. However, this in no way changes that Jesus was the son of a god.

All your base are belong to Stephen Colbert.

House limps because Stephen Colbert kicked him after hearing “everybody lies.”

Stephen Colbert knows what Willis is talkin’ ’bout.

Stephen Colbert is in your base, killing your d00ds.

Stephen Colbert can be in two places at once.

He can also pretape something you’re experiencing. He’s just that good.

Stephen Colbert has a huge Magic Missile.

The truth can’t handle Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert let the dogs out, because the dogs are trained to kill bears.

The ancient city of Atlantis is only lost because Stephen put it in its place.

It wasn’t aliens that told the Ancient Egyptians how to build the Great Pyramids, it was Stephen Colbert.

William Shakespeare was just another one of Stephen Colbert’s pen names.

80% of all truth serums on the market today contain “extract of Stephen Colbert.”

Where’s the Beef? Stephen Colbert took it.

Frodo Lives!…at Stephen Colbert’s house.

Stephen Colbert listens to one person and one person only – his gut.

Stephen Colbert once killed a man by using the power of truthiness.

Stephen Colbert doesn’t believe in facts; they lack heart.

Facts change, but Stephen Colbert’s opinions never do.

Stephen Colbert believes equations are the devil’s sentences.

Stephen Colbert is America’s bubble wrap.

Stephen Colbert’s houseplants don’t sit in windows, because he has shown them the light.

Stephen Colbert doesn’t burn CDs–they just get all hot in his presense.

Stephen Colbert’s autobiography would actually be the Great American Novel.

When the lie detector breaks down, the police call in Stephen Colbert. Untruths shrivel up in his presence.

Stephen Colbert was born in a three-piece suit. With a flag tie.

Stephen Colbert doesn’t swear to tell the truth; the truth swears to conform to Stephen Colbert.

You could slice an onion on Stephen Colbert’s gut.

The character of Aragorn was originally based on Stephen Colbert, but had to be toned down because he defeated Sauron before the end of the first book.

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