The Zen and the Damaged

A fan site for fake newspeople

The Zen On June - 18 - 2012

If you exhibit more than four of these symptoms, consult your doctor. That, or go into politics. Studies show you’re knowledgeable enough for it.

This is another effort of multiple contributors, originally posted in a thread that no longer exists. Credit is given by username; if you are the person behind one of these names and would like it changed, just let me know.

And now without further ado: YKYFNJW…

…you cannot see even the cutest teddy bear without thinking, “Godless killing machine.”
…you know all the correspondents’ birthdays.
…but not your parents’.
…you always remember to send Jon’s kids birthday presents.
…but not your best friend.
…you have no patience with news shows that don’t make a joke every few minutes.
…but you watch the networks anyway, because Jon says to.
…and then you make up your own jokes.
…you have a Stewart/Colbert ’08 bumper sticker.
…and T-shirt.
…and website.
…you can’t look at a bald guy without thinking, “Rob!”
…you’re between 18 and 24, and you vote.
…at every election, no matter how insignificant – er, local.
…you abbreviate everything as “NAMBLA”.
…you bring up NAMBLA so much that people start crossing the street when they’re with their kids and you walk by.
…you have bought every book ever plugged on either show.
…and every CD, every movie, and tickets to every stage production.
…you’ve pre-ordered Ben Karlin’s book.
…and Stephen’s, even though it won’t be out for a year.
…you’ve been to so many tapings that the warmup guys know you by name.

…you get excited to watch the 11 o’clock news.
…you examine every detail of the anchor’s attire.
…you blush when the anchor smiles.
…your heart flutters when the host sing.
…you love when people get nailed.
…daily activity reminds you of the news anchors you adore.
…you spend hours on message boards writing/adoring/criticizing the anchor.
…you spend hours writing/running code to let the world now of the greatestness of the anchor.
…you visit a website that only has picture of the anchor and click on random pics that you have seen before.
…you make up fantasies and videos of things you wish were (are) true about the anchor.
…you watch a show where three of the main participants name is Jo(h)n (Stewart, Oliver, Hodgman).
…your boyfriend/husband asks what is with the obsession with the news.
…you ignore doing homework/working on dissertation to be a part of the anchor’s fanclub.
…you send gifts to the anchor.
…you wait three+ hours in bitter cold to be in the audience.
…you wait two+ hours to get a sig and/or pic of the anchor.
…you take every quote the anchor says to heart.
…you pretend to be working, but are secretly posting on the show’s messageboard.
…your MP3 player has a folder of the vocal stylings of the anchor.
…95% of the time, you only listen to these songs.
…you skip class/go to school/work late to catch previous night’s episode when it’s repeated between 10am and 11am.
…you fight sleep even when exhausted to watch the 11 pm news hour.
…you get withdrawal symptoms when the shows go on vacation.
…you use words such as “internets tubes”.
…you search the internets for anything related to the anchor.
…you go and buy multiple copies of magazines you don’t normally read because your favorite anchor(s) are within.
…everytime you want to leave a thread, you remember something else you wanted to add.
…when you hear of the involvement of the anchor in projects outside of the news, you get excited and rush to post such news on the messageboard.
…you love to be called Hero.
…you try to analyze and predict what the anchor will say or do (but his genius always suprises you).
…you tell your mom “Stephen is a much better dresser than the British Prime Minister”.
….you notice how correspondent suite evolve over time (John Oliver, great improvement from first appearances)
…you schedule vacations when anchors take vacation.

…you watch MSNBC looking for the hot brunettes, not the news.
…when 11 o’clock rolls around, it is time to shut up!!
…you watch the real news and laugh.
…you love to be pointed at.

…you find you’ve developed a strange ear fetish.
…you sing the Tek Jansen theme in the shower.
…you instinctively leave T off of the ends of words.
…you end every conversation with, “Jon?”
…you carry around a pen for no apparent reason.
…you legally change your name to Charlene, and hope.
…you ask random people if they’ve taken money from Jack Abramov.
…you run home crying, “I’ve been stung by a Samantha!”
…whenever you see a bush you point and say, “Heh, heh, heh….”
…you throw away your calculator and buy a bunch of donuts.

The Philosopher
…your biggest crush is over twice your age!!!!
…you explain to people the subtle differences between racist and non-racist barbecue.
…you know facts about Dungeons and Dragons even though you’ve NEVER played.
…you start thinking of the Colbert Nation as a real country.
…you start doing patriotic things like put up a flag but you know in your gut you’re actually honoring Stephen.
…your teacher asks you the definition of a hero and you explain how anyone can be a hero if they just turn on Comedy Central at 11:30.
…you refer to Bill O’Reilly as Papa Bear in everyday conversation.
…you calmly explain to your science teacher that the days are getting shorter because the Democrats took office.
…you take the time to type down all the words in the background of Stephen when the Report starts. (raises hand)
…you know in your gut that reality has a huge liberal bias.
…you jog down the street hoping someone gets mugged so you can hit them with the headlights of your justice.
…you start reading books in a news anchor accent.
…you ask random people “Bush…great president…or GREATEST president?”
…you get glasses just to make you look more striking.
…you explain to your boss/teacher that you’re right because it feels right in your gut.
…you have dreams at night about being on the Daily Show/Colbert Report.
…you drink all your water in a dark blue mug and try to pretend you’re a guest on the show.

…every news story you watch is tinged with the question “what would Jon and/or Stephen say about this?”
…you try to work that into a “What Would Jesus Do?”-like acronym.
…you go so far as tearing a strip of paper and writing “WWJa/oSSAT?”
…you take comfort that, though the world may shun you for this, the fans on ColbertNation have probably already tried it.
…you generally like the Democrats and yet still hate Nancy Pelosi for her creepy laugh and negativity towards BKAD.
…you write her a letter to tell her so.
…you post this letter on a thread in these message boards.
…anything that mentions Truth or Eagles automatically remind of you Stephen.
…you frequently begin sentences with “Well Jon/Stephen did a piece on that the other night and…”
…you are genuinely puzzled when people do not take whatever follows that as Gospel Truth.
…you consider becoming an “un-lapsed” Catholic.

…since you’ve learned of Stephen’s oral fixation, you have begun to constantly chew on pens.
…you listen closely on the show every night for some reference to the CN.
…you wondered if you could do the same “wig” trick Stephen can do, tried it, and found it works!
…you hear a song on the radio and think of Stephen and Jon because it reminds you of a fanvid someone made.
…you angrily defend The Colbert Report and The Daily Show from family member critics.

…you really appreciate Epcot…who need to travel abroad we got it all here in the USA!
…people think you’re a poli-sci major because you constantly start conversations about politics.
…you and your friends play drinking games involving taking a shot everytime Stephen says the audience “gets it”…2 shots everytime he mentions God or Jesus…finish the bottle when he ‘nails’ another guest.
…you have made at least one shirt with a Colbert catchphrase, including but not limited to…”Godless Killing Machines”, “Go Saginaw Spirit”, “Save Christmas” or “Truthiness can save you”.
…you watch FOX news and or Total Living network at 2am and think A.) Stephen would be so proud B.) Where are the Doritos? C.) Dude I am actually getting angry watching this, HOW LONG TILL THE FAKE NEWS IS ON AGAIN.

ashe x tray
…you aren’t watching those because you’ve just satisfied the need by watching the reruns at 1:00 and 1:30.
…and you’re only up that late because you spent the previous hour on the messageboards.

…and then you do horribly on your English test tomorrow.
…you can’t stop looking at those beautiful gettyimages of Stephen and family.

…you can accurately predict what your anchor of choice will say next. (I’ve only done this with Jon, but I’ve done it a few times. Freaked husband out.)
…you sign for a package that your husband has ordered that has come from Saginaw (and I’m in the UK, people *L*).
…you have a T-Shirt with the definition of “Catastrof#ck” on it.
… when you’re giving serious thought to dropping a fair bit of cash on a three day trip to New York.

…you stay up and do manips instead of sleeping.

…you angrily defend your favorite “pundits” to family members.
…you angrily defend your favorite “pundits” to the television.
…you angrily defend your favorite “pundits” to people you’ve never met.
…you find yourself using words and phrases normal people don’t understand–ex., “truthiness,” “catastrofuck,” “oh my fuck,” “Oliver English Dictionary,” etc.
…you’re reading this list, laughing, and saying, “I’ve done that!”
…you have told your friend that “Massachusetts is an acronym for ‘The Ass Sac Smut'” and you can’t undertstand why she doesn’t laugh.
…You can’t see an Aflack commercial without giggling.
…Same thing for Head-On.

…you see a yellow light while driving and think “anybody with half-a-sack would punch-it” and proceed to “punch-it”.
…the name “Harold” is mentioned, your brain automatically understands it as “Harrod” and thoughts of rivalries between salmon and trout-farms pop into your head.
…you laugh everytime you see a package of “Charmin” toilet paper. Then glare angrily at the package in hatered, since a godless-killing-machine resides on it.
…you have used the word “truthiness” in a school assignment
…you say something to make your point out-loud, have an after-thought (but don’t speak it), then say “That’s right bullet point”
…you start laughing for no apparent reason at work because you were thinking about something hilarious said on TCR instead of work.

…you have written or read at least 1 piece of TDS RPF.

Meow House
…you watch the original air of the show AND the repeat the next day at 8:00 and 8:30 Eastern Time AND on your iPod AND you obsessively and furtively scour YouTube during working hours for clips you must have missed.
…your cat (yes I said cat) has a MySpace profile and all of friends (400, mostly other cats) know of his maman’s admiration for The Colbert.
…your mom in the hospital understands perfectly when you say you can’t come visit because you got tickets to see Stephen.
…when the occasional uninformed person says they’ve never heard of Stephen Colbert, you automatically think, “Well, then you’re dead to me.”

…that’s how you know about actual news.
…you want to name things after said anchor.
…you now know songs that you’ve never heard of and catch yourself singing them due to fanvids.
…ties amuse you.
…anything that rhymes is true in your book.
…someone uses “have some guts” to challange you and you take it no matter how stupid.
…you quote these anchors regularly.
…red, white, & blue things catch your attention.
…Liberty (the statue) makes you giggle.
…you use the anchor’s last name when ordering things “just to see how it would look”.
…if a lady is brave she MUST have thatchers.
…you swear that missing the show for a whole week is what made you sick.

…the “real” news anchors now look like idiots to you.
…you notice everyone’s ties and either approve or look away in horror.
…you bore the hell out of your friends and family talking about Stephen and Jon so you come here to feel normal.
…you’re incredibly jealous that Stephen and Jon have better looking fingernails than you do.
…you’ve begun to hate Fridays and love Mondays.
…your 4-year-old and 2-year-old know who Stephen and Jon are.
…your 4-year-old has referred to Stephen as “mommy’s boyfriend” on more than one occasion.
…your husband starts putting the moves on you at 11:30pm and you tell him he’s going to have to wait until midnight and he, very patiently, does!

…you stay up late to watch the reruns at 1am (midnight CST for me!), even though you JUST saw the exact same shit two hours ago when it first aired.
…your homepage is
…you never EVER take your Wriststrong bracelet off… even when it clashes.
…you blow a lot of money you don’t have to make your pilgrimage to NYC.
…you have no trouble admitting that you find two men [old enough to be your father] the smartest, funniest, and therefore sexiest things on television.
…you are one of those college students frequently mentioned in surveys who gets all their news from comedians.
…during the 2006 midterm elections, you attend an election party at school that’s primarily Democrats… and guess what they’re watching for updates…..!!!!
…a good evening consists of TDS, TCR, and a bowl of Americone Dream.

…the statement “And then he ended with ‘on his lawn’ – because McCain’s OLD!” is met with blank states and gaping mouths.
…your girlfriend purposely walks in front of the television at 11:30pm and bends over…and you tell her to get outta the way.

…when you get an English test that has a question to give an example of modern satire and your answer is three times as long as the rest of your answers.
…when your friends want you to play truth or dare, but you insist on truthiness or dare.

…your iPhone has buttons of, Colbert University, a Google search for Stephen Colbert, and the Colboards on the front page.

…you think it’s ok to edit in a fake newsman into the slideshow of all of the Democratic Candidates and show it on a huge screen at the most crowded county convention in its history.

…you turn your cell phone ringer off between 11:00 pm and midnight on weeknights.

…every time you see the Aflac Duck you smile.
…you tell people about Wigfield.
…you consider anything Jewish Jewy.
…you watched Jon on the Oscars and took out Naked Pictures of famous people to see if he followed the “Recipe”.
…you cannot say God Dammit without thinking Chuck Noblet.

…you finished part of your AP exam early so you wrote an ad for TCR in the question booklet.

…you can remember all the moments in the show referenced in this thread and what was going on in both shows (and in the real world) during the time of reference.
…you watch your sister’s boyfriend complain about wearing his bow-tie and think, “Stephen wouldn’t complain. He was born in a tux.”
…you see “AP” and think “Associated Press” rather than “Advanced Placement”.
…then you remember you’re angry with the AP.
…you go through withdrawal on Tuesdays that don’t offer at least 7 straight hours of primary results… whether or not that primary has yet occurred.
…you are torn between associating May 13 with Stephen Colbert or West Virginia.

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